The first 20 years of my life i grew up to be 20 years old ... the next 15 years i grew up to be 70 years old .. joys, purpose and pleasures are just a barely recognizable meaningless visions just remains of a broken mirror no matter how hard you try to put it back together you always end up cutting your self ..
yesterday when i was young really feels that it was so very long time ago that i cant even recall how i felt back then ..
I think I'm just destined to look at this life from the window of my weaknesses my failures my mental illnesses ... Im disabled enough to not be able to shatter this window apart and engage in the play of life which I have only been watching for long days or years depends on how you look at it ... It feels bad enough that you don't want to wake up or even breath if you had such power to stop life ... pathetic .. Just pathetic ... I get excited now for the least tiniest thing in life and I invest all my powers hoping for a few moments of happiness or even few moments of distraction from how disfigured I have become ... A wreck just a mental wreck ..
I think my mind due to being excessively tired from being depressed it has started to develop a childish excitements towards the least and most tiny things I think just for the sake of being in idle state even if it's for a few seconds ... A pathetic wreckage what I have become ..
