My Blood, My Tears & My Smile
i was never like this ..
i was once optimistic .. talented .. full of life and energy .. Filled with hopes and dreams ...
where did i go ?
when i sit with my
self every day and look at life, look at people every where .. observe/flip
through their lives... i see threads of stories sewn all around, tales written
..i see lives Ending...others starting, getting formed, shaped, i see dreams
becoming alive, i see wishes fulfilled, goals accomplished, roads cleared,
seasons changing, occasions celebrated …
where am i from all
that ? i look back at my self i see nothing but a series of failures and
disappointments, glimpses of half forgotten dreams, visions of nostalgia and
longings to moments/to memories/places and scenes that i cant completely figure
out perhaps haven't even lived some of them before ... remains of incomplete
life/incomplete stories i once had but i no longer own, trail of un identified
broken wishes/chattered goals .. Traces of blind lost frustrated
desire/exhausted will and an over all picture of a messed up disfigured
pathetic phobic wrecked lost drowning self ...
where to go ? .... i shiver, i panic, i gaze in anxiety every where, i run searching for me, for my
dreams for my life, for my story .. i
look every where .... in search of the unknown ..... im looking for what i dont
know what is it or what does it look like ... i search for a life/for my life
between the lives, between the stories, between the people, between the ruins
of my self ... i cant catch up neither with my thoughts nor with reality and
its lives its stories its incidents its happenings its choices its places ...
how enormous everything is ... im too small ... a circle in a spiral... Torned
am i...i always felt i have something to give something to offer i felt i can
help ...maybe if i was just placed in
the right position .. sarcastically i have no idea what would this position be like...am i destined
to just watch .. never live .. ? could this be as good as it gets ? i get more
lost from my self, where am i ? where's my life ? wheres my dreams ? wheres my
memories ? where's my story ? wheres my home ? unknown ...im all alone ...which
route to follow ? every thing inside me is scrambled ... what is it what im
really after ? what is it what i need/want ? what do i like and what do i hate
? where do i want to go ? wheres the good from the bad ? wheres the right from wrong ? .. wheres is the truth
from the lies ? wheres sincerity from deception ? and most of all wheres is me
? yes wheres is me ?i want to turn on all the lights ... i want to gather all
my possessions around me ... all my personal stuff ... perhaps they comfort me,
make me feel safe, gives me a few seconds of joy...i want to run and exist
between people/hide from all these questions/hide from my self between them, im
striked by this strong urge to gather every single person i met in my life
around me at this moment, watch them living/hear them talking/maybe celebrate
with them by any occasion ... perhaps i can find me among them or we just live
a few warm family moments together/share the joy of something new...is it wise
? seeing them would remind me of my personal failures/lack of life .. i dont
know .. im no longer able to take any decision ..im returning back as
helpless/as emotional as a baby ... afraid from the unknown and just
lingers/gets attached to people, things and moments and refuse to let them go
... why i have to think/watch/see and linger/cling on ?.. why i cant just enjoy
the moment and then let it go like every body else ... ?im no longer able to
enjoy any thing on my own, my old things even/my favorites/my likes/my hobbies
... the scene of any thing new to me puts me in to a very deep state of horror,
the old ones scares me ..
makes me want to gather my contact list at my eyesight...even my dearest joys
are turning in to nightmares .. My lovable favorites are becoming pains ...
When you no longer feel safe with your self ...do i need a new needle like an
old gramophone that got wrecked by aging/by playing extensive amounts of discs
.. ? the very normal human beings has turned to be superheroes to me due to how
far i became helpless ..due to how far ive been dissapointed by missing the
start line im no longer courageous to spot it ..ive been stuck between the past
and the present for so long id forgotten how your supposed to live ..by
reaching this moment at my day i hit the deepest depths of depression in one
fall, i loose a fraction more of my sanity, i get more terrified from the
future, from the unknown, from my self, from every thing ...for that much im a
stranger ? have i came from else where ? its pathetic ...how their is a feeling
of nostalgia inside me to moments/scenes and places that i haven't lived or met
before ?
what is it that triggers inside me those feelings that i cant contain/that overruns me/scares
me from tomorrow ? has my mind started
to create scenes and moments to fill in the gaps ? have i started to develop
schizophrenia ? what have i become ? rush of random scenes in my head some of
them un identified .. a scene from my early childhood days, one of me walking
in the rain .. one shopping in a snowy Christmas eve ... another in a train station a train departing
... other scene in the early morning by the sea, foot steps on the sand ....
the sound of a piece of music .. the smell of a scent ... whats happening ? am
i still keeping my sanity ? i dont know, its been a while im only looking to
the world through a window ..ive been sitting here and watching for a day, for
long years...it really depends on how you look at it ... flood of questions
evades me/one hundred thousand thoughts in a flash of a second ... an army of a
fully armed nightmares conquers me .... darkness and insecurity all around ..
even in the brightest moments ..
nothing is real, nothing is true, a never ending circle of delusions .. inner
peace/safety and good night sleep is just a luxury i cant afford ... i dont want
to listen i dont want to talk
i dont want to see i dont want to think i dont want to know i dont want to feel
...i wish i can just rest in peace ... but its not a choice ... i rush scared
seeking a dark corner in my head to hide ... horrified by every single particle
in the horizon including my self ...i insanely flip through my memories for a
familiar glowing moment that identifies me/that tells me who i am/that holds
me/reassures me, that takes my hand, shows me the way and tells me every thing
will be alright, a moment that i feel safe hiding in from every thing ... no
where to hide ... im locked in a virtual reality Broadcasting tunnel .. blinded
by the mass amounts of life stories streaming all around me ... Deafened by the
voices of lives playing every where ... trembled by the darkness that has no
end and a cold breeze the shows no mercy ... badly affected by the sad stories
every where, by how cruel life can become for every one ... stormed by how
brutal every thing im facing and how helpless i have rendered ... this is not
it... called by my early childhood days, hunted by the life/the stories i once
had, chased by the vague visions
of nostalgia and longings ... haunted by my negative destructible thoughts ... haunted by the truth ... the truth that i
found me no place , no destination, no life , no story, no route,
No home .. No me ...from the
deepest of my soul i want to scream, enough .. im drained i collapse in a
circle of black outs as a sign of calling it a day ... in my sleep i met him...
He told me the way i
see it there is two types of people those who spend their lives trying to build
a future and those who spend their lives trying to rebuild the past for so long
ive been stuck in between hidden in the dark locked in a course of destruction
.. time moves forward and nothing changes ...
yes i met the
lonesome boatman ...he has no sails, no destination ... even no ocean ..
i waked him up and i opened my eyes ... another day started...remade .
i was once optimistic .. talented .. full of life and energy .. Filled with hopes and dreams ...
where did i go ?
when i sit with my
self every day and look at life, look at people every where .. observe/flip
through their lives... i see threads of stories sewn all around, tales written
..i see lives Ending...others starting, getting formed, shaped, i see dreams
becoming alive, i see wishes fulfilled, goals accomplished, roads cleared,
seasons changing, occasions celebrated …
where am i from all
that ? i look back at my self i see nothing but a series of failures and
disappointments, glimpses of half forgotten dreams, visions of nostalgia and
longings to moments/to memories/places and scenes that i cant completely figure
out perhaps haven't even lived some of them before ... remains of incomplete
life/incomplete stories i once had but i no longer own, trail of un identified
broken wishes/chattered goals .. Traces of blind lost frustrated
desire/exhausted will and an over all picture of a messed up disfigured
pathetic phobic wrecked lost drowning self ...
where to go ? .... i shiver, i panic, i gaze in anxiety every where, i run searching for me, for my
dreams for my life, for my story .. i
look every where .... in search of the unknown ..... im looking for what i dont
know what is it or what does it look like ... i search for a life/for my life
between the lives, between the stories, between the people, between the ruins
of my self ... i cant catch up neither with my thoughts nor with reality and
its lives its stories its incidents its happenings its choices its places ...
how enormous everything is ... im too small ... a circle in a spiral... Torned
am i...i always felt i have something to give something to offer i felt i can
help ...maybe if i was just placed in
the right position .. sarcastically i have no idea what would this position be like...am i destined
to just watch .. never live .. ? could this be as good as it gets ? i get more
lost from my self, where am i ? where's my life ? wheres my dreams ? wheres my
memories ? where's my story ? wheres my home ? unknown ...im all alone ...which
route to follow ? every thing inside me is scrambled ... what is it what im
really after ? what is it what i need/want ? what do i like and what do i hate
? where do i want to go ? wheres the good from the bad ? wheres the right from wrong ? .. wheres is the truth
from the lies ? wheres sincerity from deception ? and most of all wheres is me
? yes wheres is me ?i want to turn on all the lights ... i want to gather all
my possessions around me ... all my personal stuff ... perhaps they comfort me,
make me feel safe, gives me a few seconds of joy...i want to run and exist
between people/hide from all these questions/hide from my self between them, im
striked by this strong urge to gather every single person i met in my life
around me at this moment, watch them living/hear them talking/maybe celebrate
with them by any occasion ... perhaps i can find me among them or we just live
a few warm family moments together/share the joy of something new...is it wise
? seeing them would remind me of my personal failures/lack of life .. i dont
know .. im no longer able to take any decision ..im returning back as
helpless/as emotional as a baby ... afraid from the unknown and just
lingers/gets attached to people, things and moments and refuse to let them go
... why i have to think/watch/see and linger/cling on ?.. why i cant just enjoy
the moment and then let it go like every body else ... ?im no longer able to
enjoy any thing on my own, my old things even/my favorites/my likes/my hobbies
... the scene of any thing new to me puts me in to a very deep state of horror,
the old ones scares me ..
makes me want to gather my contact list at my eyesight...even my dearest joys
are turning in to nightmares .. My lovable favorites are becoming pains ...
When you no longer feel safe with your self ...do i need a new needle like an
old gramophone that got wrecked by aging/by playing extensive amounts of discs
.. ? the very normal human beings has turned to be superheroes to me due to how
far i became helpless ..due to how far ive been dissapointed by missing the
start line im no longer courageous to spot it ..ive been stuck between the past
and the present for so long id forgotten how your supposed to live ..by
reaching this moment at my day i hit the deepest depths of depression in one
fall, i loose a fraction more of my sanity, i get more terrified from the
future, from the unknown, from my self, from every thing ...for that much im a
stranger ? have i came from else where ? its pathetic ...how their is a feeling
of nostalgia inside me to moments/scenes and places that i haven't lived or met
before ?
what is it that triggers inside me those feelings that i cant contain/that overruns me/scares
me from tomorrow ? has my mind started
to create scenes and moments to fill in the gaps ? have i started to develop
schizophrenia ? what have i become ? rush of random scenes in my head some of
them un identified .. a scene from my early childhood days, one of me walking
in the rain .. one shopping in a snowy Christmas eve ... another in a train station a train departing
... other scene in the early morning by the sea, foot steps on the sand ....
the sound of a piece of music .. the smell of a scent ... whats happening ? am
i still keeping my sanity ? i dont know, its been a while im only looking to
the world through a window ..ive been sitting here and watching for a day, for
long years...it really depends on how you look at it ... flood of questions
evades me/one hundred thousand thoughts in a flash of a second ... an army of a
fully armed nightmares conquers me .... darkness and insecurity all around ..
even in the brightest moments ..
nothing is real, nothing is true, a never ending circle of delusions .. inner
peace/safety and good night sleep is just a luxury i cant afford ... i dont want
to listen i dont want to talk
i dont want to see i dont want to think i dont want to know i dont want to feel
...i wish i can just rest in peace ... but its not a choice ... i rush scared
seeking a dark corner in my head to hide ... horrified by every single particle
in the horizon including my self ...i insanely flip through my memories for a
familiar glowing moment that identifies me/that tells me who i am/that holds
me/reassures me, that takes my hand, shows me the way and tells me every thing
will be alright, a moment that i feel safe hiding in from every thing ... no
where to hide ... im locked in a virtual reality Broadcasting tunnel .. blinded
by the mass amounts of life stories streaming all around me ... Deafened by the
voices of lives playing every where ... trembled by the darkness that has no
end and a cold breeze the shows no mercy ... badly affected by the sad stories
every where, by how cruel life can become for every one ... stormed by how
brutal every thing im facing and how helpless i have rendered ... this is not
it... called by my early childhood days, hunted by the life/the stories i once
had, chased by the vague visions
of nostalgia and longings ... haunted by my negative destructible thoughts ... haunted by the truth ... the truth that i
found me no place , no destination, no life , no story, no route,
No home .. No me ...from the
deepest of my soul i want to scream, enough .. im drained i collapse in a
circle of black outs as a sign of calling it a day ... in my sleep i met him...
He told me the way i
see it there is two types of people those who spend their lives trying to build
a future and those who spend their lives trying to rebuild the past for so long
ive been stuck in between hidden in the dark locked in a course of destruction
.. time moves forward and nothing changes ...
yes i met the
lonesome boatman ...he has no sails, no destination ... even no ocean ..
i waked him up and i opened my eyes ... another day started...remade .
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