Recently i realised that When I run .. I'm not running for a physical reason ...
I think I'm running from every thing .. My fears my failures I think im even running from my self .. From the prison cells of my mental system and the psychological limitations of my self ...
Pretty like when Forrest gump were running free from his weaknesses ...
I'm destined to live in the shadows .. To watch the sun from a far ... To feel the morning breeze from behind my pane ... To run but never reach a destination ... To swim and never make it to a shore ..to put on a smile that's never from my heart .. To laugh only on my self ... To score goals that will never gonna make me win ... To walk and never leave foot prints .. To sleep and never dream ... To wish and never accomplish ... To breath and never live ..
Joel
wasn't selfish and he did not doom the world by what he did ... What
Joel done requires some maturity to be understood ... Joel realized that
the world is becoming a terrible place and not because the pandemic it
was because the evil of humans ...
90% of the game your serious encounters/struggles are with fellow
humans .. the pandemic has uncovered the worst of the human race but its
no longer the source of evil .. The pandemic just waken up the evil
that was always there it did not invent it ... Therefore the cure that
would cost sacrificing Ellie will not going to make any difference ...
He lost a daughter once and he wasn't ready to sacrifice by another one
...Beside Joel's love to Ellie he realized that curing people will not
going to diminish the evil that spreaded every where so he just went
with saving the only thing that meant anything for him ... And yes
Surely Ellie will forgive him she just need to grow up to understand the
complexity of the suffering that Joel met through his life and the
nobility of his sacrifice ...
The way I see it on why people now tends to document their moments instead of actually living it is because of the feeling that nowadays somehow nothing good ever lasts ..due to the nature of the time and the age were living at it became pre wired mentally in humans minds that good moments are not the rule any more and actually they are nothing but some very hard earned / perhaps stolen goods .. the rush to document the moment is subconsciously an escape route from the reality that it will probably not going to last so let it at least last as a documented memory ..
My 2 pennies ...
In This year, In this 34th birthday of mine ... I do have a confession to make ... A tribute i owe to somevery dear person to my heart ...
With Every passing year there were always one person whome i really wished to be here and share this day with me even for a few seconds...
This very special person was my grandmother may god rest her soul in peacefulness and calmness ...
Since you went away there aint but single shining shocking truth that gets to hit me hardly with every passing day... this truth is that there wasnt a more honest truthful sincere loving and caring person as you were to me ... I do really owe you a lot grandma .. and i really wish you were here so i could pay you a small portion of my debt ... You know what grand ma... life has never been good to me since you left ... Same goes for people ... The noble qualities you planted inside me and how angelic you were made me always struggle to accept life as it really is ... Made it really hard for me to find a place or a home where you are not around ... As much as im sad that u left but the truth is this world was never meant for someone as beautiful as you ... Your place will always be there engraved in my soul, my heart and my whole being ...no matter what Nothing will take this away from me ... I don't know exactly when But I'm sure we'll meet again And my dear grandma till we do
You are always in my heart even though you are far away ..
Your 34 years old son ... Tommy ...
apologies if i havent been given enough time to be the son you always dreamed i would be ...
Yours Tommy.
Life knows two miseries; dying while your still alive and getting deeply and more vigorously buried while your already dead ...
Life has a nasty habit of tarnishing your simplest and most innocent joys and pleasures ...
The sarcasm of modern age is that an inch of snow is a blizzard .. A sip of water is an ocean .. A mediocre writer is shakespeare a less than average actor is Macbeth And a shalow one sided story is a life ..
You know when your flipping through facebook's news feed at your cell phone and then a written notification bumps up that says "New Stories" ... when you push it .. The news feed flips up through the stories even your ones very quickly to get to the most recent ones .. If you look closer you can see your bare reflection at the screen amidst the passing of the stories ... And that is life ... News , people, incidents flashes by and you can barely make any difference, pause or change any thing ... You just have to watch ... A shadow of a shadow of a shadow... A shadow of a human living in a shadow of a dream existing in a shadow of a life ...
I Wish If I Can Dissapear From My Self And My Attributes And Just Exist
Somewhere Else Where 2 Parties Fighting For The Existence Over The
Remains Of The Other Party Is Not A Part From The Daily Life ....
Somewhere Where Waking Up Everyday And Saying Good Morning World Is Not A
Suicidal Mission ... Somewhere That Does Not Require You Having A Bomb,
Bullet Proof Nervous System To Survive The Daily Activities ..
Somewhere That Has Neither Muslims Nor Christians, Neither Barcelona
Nor Real Madrid, Neither Bmw Nor Mercedes, Neither Apple Nor Samsung,
Neither Sony Nor Microsoft, Neither Adidas Nor Nike, Neither Black Nor
White ...
Somewhere Where The Strength Is Only Their To Support The
Weakness .. Where The Strong Is Fair,Noble, Kind And Gentle .. And The
Weak Is Sincere, Honest And Trust Worthy ..
Somewhere That Has
Neither Extremist Nor Racists Somewhere Where People Accepts Their
Differences In Peace And Harmony ... And No Fights Or Hard Feelings
Over Any Thing Whatsoever ...
Somewhere Where The Sun Shines On And
Warms Every Creature And Sets On And Comforts Every Creature With No
Body Claiming That The Sun Is Him Self Alone Or That He Is The
Legitimate Inheritor Of Planet Earth And The Milky Way ....
Somewhere Where You Can Wake Up Calmly And Comfortably Migraine And Pain
Free .. Take A Walk In The Sun And Hum The Following .....
I See Trees Of Green........ Red Roses Too
I See Em Bloom..... For Me And For You
And I Think To Myself.... What A Wonderful World.
I See Skies Of Blue..... Clouds Of White
Bright Blessed Days....Dark Sacred Nights
And I Think To Myself .....What A Wonderful World.
The Colors Of A Rainbow.....So Pretty ..In The Sky
Are Also On The Faces.....Of People ..Going By
I See Friends Shaking Hands.....Sayin.. How Do You Do
They're Really Sayin......I Love You.
And You Think To Your Yourself .....What A Wonderful World
Yes You Think To Yourself .......What A Wonderful World
Social media and being exposed to the outer world makes me realize how tiny and unnoticed am I ...it makes me shiver and panic and in need to run and hide under the bed or in one of my rooms corners and just cover my ears ... some times I feel I'm desperate for recognition ... As if I'm waving my hands and saying hey I'm here ... Any body ..
the world is too big mom .. And I'm scared ... I'm really scared ...
As much as I'm scared of loneliness and not being noticed .. I'm also scared to engage in any thing ... Scared of people of places of the whole life ... I just want to hide ... From hearing from listening from feeling .. From every thing ..
Every one is having a passion is good at something and I'm not ... Every thing is moving around me and I'm stood still ... I'm scared ...
As much as I'm desperate for recognition im scared of the outer world to expose me in front of my self and show me for how far I'm just a very big nothing ...hence why I feel I want to hide from every thing ...
I'm not feeling safe in my self's attendance to accept the others ..
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These are pictures of me and my figure 13 years ago ..
back when I were almost 170kg and after I lost weight and became 77 KG...
And I won't lie on you in those old days yes I weren't paying the least of attention and I was very lazy and I used to eat what ever what I want .. But truth be said I was much more happy and content and you know filled by this shining joy regardless of the dieting crimes I were always committing ..
You know, Behind a good athletic figure .. when you just move closely and sneak behind the curtains there's a merciless struggle on hourly maybe on minutely basis no body knows any thing about ... There's a torture behind the closed doors you have no idea how fierce and how brutal ... There's a tormenting commitment and a never ending devotion ... There's a joy that was raped out of you and it will never be back as you have already matured enough to no longer see a joy in something that probably makes your life worse ..
Ignorance is bliss and this is very very very true...
When I look back I see the times where I used to enjoy junk food and snacking with my friends ... Late night sweets .. Chocolates and candy bars usually in even amounts of numbers and its multiplicities ... Peanut butter by jars not spoons ...pizza, Bread, patisseries and bakeries in endless amounts of variations and quantities ... Living as if I own the world and eating as if it were my last meal ..
Yes now I'm fit and firm thank you thank you thank you thank you God .. And yes now I have changed way dramatically to a much more healthy athletic figure and healthier life .. But also there's a very generous bill I paid and i'll always be paying ... There's a mortgage im in debt of for the sake of my body that never ever ends but when I bid my last good bye to this life .. Theres a door to a joy that got sealed shut while you're witnessing and even by your hands helping .. and no you can't even try to break your self in any more as you have probably grew up in height to pass from this door any longer.. There's a mind thats never at ease any more, that no longer in peace, that never rests or stops counting calories every where It goes .. Even in gum and vitamin C drops ... There's a broken self you get to meet every moment you're in a family or a friends gathering or an occasion , when every body is eating what ever they like and which ever they crave and you just can't do the same any more not only because you'll gain weight but because the guilt feeling will kick the hell out of you till your last breath even if you just had a bite ... In cold winter nights were people are gathered around a TV in wrappies and blankets sipping hot drinks and snacking you have to run your ass out in the cold not only to remain fit but more importantly as this is the only way the day will pass peacefully without OCD and Anxiety attacks kicking the hell out of your ass ...
This journey I embarked upon 13 years ago has unleashed inside me gates of fear, back then I innocently knew nothing about .. A new fear, A real fear ... A fear of my self of what I am and what I have always been and might be again ... Now I can fully see ...
and all that I was is now lost ...
And All this relatively changed the way I see every thing in an excessively dramatic way ..
This journey uncovered to my eyes different horizons.. broad dimensions above weight gain or loss .. Its The idea that joy and happiness is directly proportional to how less you know about this life ... The more you know the bluer and gloomier and more depressed you will become ..
Things might have developed inside me to a mental disorder due to what I had to face back in my old over weight days ..
For your information I had a savagely abused childhood due to my figure ... I will never forget the days where I was being called "fat" by every body at school .. Even when I had a first love at 4th or 5th grade and after I gathered the entire amounts of courage available on this universe and confronted her she brutally mocked me and said "are you out of your mind do you think I can be interested in someone whose FAT like you" ... Wow just wow ... Around 25 years have passed since this incident but yet its carved in my self as if it were yesterday ...
Kindly be noted that My journey was colored by depression, anxiety and ocd which in return forced it to have a darker shade ... So this is just me not any body else ...
So I don't want any one to think its a bad thing to be healthy I never said that .. I'm so happy by the results .. and no matter how much time I spent thanking God I won't be able to express how grateful am I .. And still if by any how I got back in time I would never change my choices or the results .. I'm as proud as I can be for what I accomplished ..
One way or another I was just trying to describe the journey I went through and how growing up and understanding more about life affects how happy or joyful you are ...
Again this is just me and This is not a stand alone act that can be seen solely from one angle this is a journey that has to be seen in its complete form ..
And somehow after all these years i had an epiphany that at the end of the day it's not about being fit or not , being overweight or underweight .. It's about your acceptance to your reality.. to your self ... Me as an example yes I do suffered a lot and yes I'm missing the old days but I was rejecting my self back then as much as I were happy and that's why I committed for a change .. And even being happy back then was directly proportional to how little I knew about life ... It was like not ever seeing the sunlight and in return you can't ever miss it ..
technically my happiness back then were a lack of knowledge happiness and not a realistic happiness ...
In this article again I'm not trying to encourage any body to live in a non healthy way and here I'm not paying a tribute to the days where I wasn't healthy I'm paying a tribute to the days when I were still young and pure ... White and clean, before life stains the hell out of you and forces you to look at every thing from behind a pure black tinted sun glasses ..
Those old days has gone and Now things have changed and I have changed..
So if there's any thing to be learned here its that a change is possible and doable .. Only if you want ...
From the depth of my heart All my best wishes to any body who is planning to make a commitment to change his/her life to a better alternative .. It's never too late and its not an impossible task to achieve ...and I'm here if any body is in need of advice ...
This was a story of love and hate .. Of struggles and failures .. Of sweat, blood and tears .. Of commitment, determination and devotion ... This was the story of my life ...
Thank you all for reading ...
Yours sincerely Ahmed Zack ...
The only glimpse of paradise allowed in this life is through the eyes of an animal ...
The way i see it .. love is never about seeing the good and just keep going ... i believe its about not seeing it and yet refusing to give up ... Their aint any heroism in turning on the lights when the sun is already shining ...but It takes all the courage and devotion to make it shine amidst the darkness that might be falling every where ... Beneficial relation ships are not love its naked business ...at least thats what i believe in ...
the agony of life is knowing that you'll lose something or someone and yet your forced/granted the luxury to deal with it every day .. having your feelings expand and grow, collecting more memory slides in your backpack towards something that one day you wont find by your side and you know it and you just have to mentally digest all such given .. steer the fear .. roam through your doubts and worries ...wrestle with expectations .. gamble with the devil him self in a loss loss game ..
such reality is known to be hidden from many minds or perhaps showing behind a masquerade ...if you can see it and its affecting you that is called the doom of consciousness .. of susceptibility, Delicacy, Awareness, sympathy .. that is the doom of sensibility..
the price of not being a fool ..
the way i see it ..
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger is one of the biggest hoaxes ever ..
why do i have to die in order to live .. cant i just live in peace without having to die hundreds of times every day ..and every year ..
at many points being strong while you lack the inner strength to meet the power of what you met is really out of place .. its a strength indeed you gain from what you meet in life but fake strength
and the inner peace that gets striped out of your soul and the pieces that gets skinned out of your existence will never be back no matter how strong and mighty you become ..
your like a turtle with a mighty shield on her back but inside your more fragile than a newly born ... what you meet and face renders you naked in-front of life .. the shields are raising but their are priceless pieces of you being taken to form such shield .. your beautiful to look at but pathetic and pitiful ... saddening to deal with ...
there are things in this life that its really better to never ever meet in person so you can keep your inner peace .. so you can preserve your soul intact and in place .. and in one piece .
I've got to admit those who always say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger definitely hasn't met any thing enough fierce in life .. or perhaps they had the mental system that can adapt ..
but after all no one can really deny that life is the never the same after loss .. after failure .. after disappointment .. after betrayal ..
after fear .. after breaking ..
life is never the same after death .. what has already died can never come back to life ..
you live with this well crafted abominated wreckage locked in a steel shielded armor deceived you are stronger by the armor that grew over you but deep down you are never the same ..and you will never going to be ...
i know this by heart .. ive passed by severe turning points in my life which have really messed me up big time .. after all these experiences and these years i have grown to be very strong but deep down you tend to forget what you like and what you hate .. what is it the makes you happy or makes you smile .. feelings emotions sentiments all meaningless ..youre a shadow who walks only in the shadows ... you get lost in all those and somehow you end up having on a very hefty shield but from inside youre barely alive ..
