These are pictures of me and my figure 13 years ago ..
back when I were almost 170kg and after I lost weight and became 77 KG...
And I won't lie on you in those old days yes I weren't paying the least of attention and I was very lazy and I used to eat what ever what I want .. But truth be said I was much more happy and content and you know filled by this shining joy regardless of the dieting crimes I were always committing ..
You know, Behind a good athletic figure .. when you just move closely and sneak behind the curtains there's a merciless struggle on hourly maybe on minutely basis no body knows any thing about ... There's a torture behind the closed doors you have no idea how fierce and how brutal ... There's a tormenting commitment and a never ending devotion ... There's a joy that was raped out of you and it will never be back as you have already matured enough to no longer see a joy in something that probably makes your life worse ..
Ignorance is bliss and this is very very very true...
When I look back I see the times where I used to enjoy junk food and snacking with my friends ... Late night sweets .. Chocolates and candy bars usually in even amounts of numbers and its multiplicities ... Peanut butter by jars not spoons ...pizza, Bread, patisseries and bakeries in endless amounts of variations and quantities ... Living as if I own the world and eating as if it were my last meal ..
Yes now I'm fit and firm thank you thank you thank you thank you God .. And yes now I have changed way dramatically to a much more healthy athletic figure and healthier life .. But also there's a very generous bill I paid and i'll always be paying ... There's a mortgage im in debt of for the sake of my body that never ever ends but when I bid my last good bye to this life .. Theres a door to a joy that got sealed shut while you're witnessing and even by your hands helping .. and no you can't even try to break your self in any more as you have probably grew up in height to pass from this door any longer.. There's a mind thats never at ease any more, that no longer in peace, that never rests or stops counting calories every where It goes .. Even in gum and vitamin C drops ... There's a broken self you get to meet every moment you're in a family or a friends gathering or an occasion , when every body is eating what ever they like and which ever they crave and you just can't do the same any more not only because you'll gain weight but because the guilt feeling will kick the hell out of you till your last breath even if you just had a bite ... In cold winter nights were people are gathered around a TV in wrappies and blankets sipping hot drinks and snacking you have to run your ass out in the cold not only to remain fit but more importantly as this is the only way the day will pass peacefully without OCD and Anxiety attacks kicking the hell out of your ass ...
This journey I embarked upon 13 years ago has unleashed inside me gates of fear, back then I innocently knew nothing about .. A new fear, A real fear ... A fear of my self of what I am and what I have always been and might be again ... Now I can fully see ...
and all that I was is now lost ...
And All this relatively changed the way I see every thing in an excessively dramatic way ..
This journey uncovered to my eyes different horizons.. broad dimensions above weight gain or loss .. Its The idea that joy and happiness is directly proportional to how less you know about this life ... The more you know the bluer and gloomier and more depressed you will become ..
Things might have developed inside me to a mental disorder due to what I had to face back in my old over weight days ..
For your information I had a savagely abused childhood due to my figure ... I will never forget the days where I was being called "fat" by every body at school .. Even when I had a first love at 4th or 5th grade and after I gathered the entire amounts of courage available on this universe and confronted her she brutally mocked me and said "are you out of your mind do you think I can be interested in someone whose FAT like you" ... Wow just wow ... Around 25 years have passed since this incident but yet its carved in my self as if it were yesterday ...
Kindly be noted that My journey was colored by depression, anxiety and ocd which in return forced it to have a darker shade ... So this is just me not any body else ...
So I don't want any one to think its a bad thing to be healthy I never said that .. I'm so happy by the results .. and no matter how much time I spent thanking God I won't be able to express how grateful am I .. And still if by any how I got back in time I would never change my choices or the results .. I'm as proud as I can be for what I accomplished ..
One way or another I was just trying to describe the journey I went through and how growing up and understanding more about life affects how happy or joyful you are ...
Again this is just me and This is not a stand alone act that can be seen solely from one angle this is a journey that has to be seen in its complete form ..
And somehow after all these years i had an epiphany that at the end of the day it's not about being fit or not , being overweight or underweight .. It's about your acceptance to your reality.. to your self ... Me as an example yes I do suffered a lot and yes I'm missing the old days but I was rejecting my self back then as much as I were happy and that's why I committed for a change .. And even being happy back then was directly proportional to how little I knew about life ... It was like not ever seeing the sunlight and in return you can't ever miss it ..
technically my happiness back then were a lack of knowledge happiness and not a realistic happiness ...
In this article again I'm not trying to encourage any body to live in a non healthy way and here I'm not paying a tribute to the days where I wasn't healthy I'm paying a tribute to the days when I were still young and pure ... White and clean, before life stains the hell out of you and forces you to look at every thing from behind a pure black tinted sun glasses ..
Those old days has gone and Now things have changed and I have changed..
So if there's any thing to be learned here its that a change is possible and doable .. Only if you want ...
From the depth of my heart All my best wishes to any body who is planning to make a commitment to change his/her life to a better alternative .. It's never too late and its not an impossible task to achieve ...and I'm here if any body is in need of advice ...
This was a story of love and hate .. Of struggles and failures .. Of sweat, blood and tears .. Of commitment, determination and devotion ... This was the story of my life ...
Thank you all for reading ...
Yours sincerely Ahmed Zack ...
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