Where did i go ?

Where did I go ?
A question I ask my self with every passing second ..
A question I ask my self when ever I pass by anything that used to put a smile on my face .. Or used to push life into my veins ..
I no longer feel any thing ..
I tend to escape from reality by every meaning ..
I can't face a world I know I have no place in it ..
I'm avoiding any thing that can trigger reality in my head ...
How will it end .. A question that I never quit asking my self ... Where am I heading ...
Where am I going ...
I'm desperately trying hoplessly to keep my self alive by lingering to any thing life related ...
This non sense usually put more strain on my mental system ...as I can't accept me living as a shadow.. But at the same time I don't have any capabilities or strength to face the sun .. I'll get burnt in the very first few minutes...
I'm like a dead plant that has no hope of survival unless being granted water and water is in a very far land ..
I was astonished the other day when some one asked me .. What is it that makes you want to wake up every day .. I was really blown away as this question was like a gun pointed into my head ready to just blow my brains off ...
Can you believe it .. Sarcastically I don't remember any time in the near past where I went to sleep with a desire to survive another day ...
What's the use of life for some one who is occupied by an already dead soul ...
What's the use of a sun glasses for some one who has no eyes ...
I have hit far beyond rock bottom ....
Actually rock bottom for me might mean a mile stone ...
I escape by running ... I hide in the cold windy nights ... I run and i run and i run .. To where I just don't know ...
Some people from my looks might call me irresponsible ... But no body knows the fire that is consuming me ...
No body knows how horrific, brutal , barbaric , savagery , tormenting , agonizing  the effort I spend every day just to remain clinging just to not let the last tip of my last finger slip from the sharp un even edges of the so called mountain of life ...
I'm a shamefuly pathetic individual ...
The idea of just being like this disgusts the hell out of me..
That's mainly why I have sealed shut the door of getting committed or being in a relationship ..
Just to save another soul from being sucked in to my dark pits of hell ...
How pathetic ... And how agonizing ..
Cling by every meaning to life .. As once you slip its nearly impossible to get back ...
Pumping back life into dryed brittled veins is way harder than carving on a stone with a toothpick ..